Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related