cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.