(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
congratulations to them
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.