*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
📽️movie date🎞️
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?