Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?