When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You Might Also Like
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”