Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My current situation
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*ernest hemingway voice*