I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”