*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?