While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
No regrets in 2018
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?