Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
You Might Also Like
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
i want to work in this restaurant
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.