i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.