girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
#parenting
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them