No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.