Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Can’t stop laughing
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.