How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.