Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.