[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?