THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
channeling her this year
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!