My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me trying to reach for my goals
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.