*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
United Steaks of America