[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks