Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I hope it’s French Onion!
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.