I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.