my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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Meanwhile in Canada…
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
dictator is short for richard potato
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.