Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.