people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor