My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I wanna be friends with this person
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..