Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin