One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Am I having a stroke?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.