Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
That’s amazing.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
And bowling should be called pinball
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.