My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me