Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*