How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.