Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.