Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.