I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.