roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
A new level of troll.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.