[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”