Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?