Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
are they though??