[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.