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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you