don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.