Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A short story of betrayal:
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent