*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi