my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.