You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.