Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My time has come.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
japanese corn
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!