multitasking lunch
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.